Vampire Doctors!


See the pic above, green military shirt (i have a deep fascination with Delta force, Special Forces crap), cargo pants, red eyes, cool beard? . Notice the bandage on my right arm? That’s me at Aga Khan Hospital Mombasa. At the canteen. Bargaining. Bargaining for peanuts. And short life milk!

(Poleni, pic has been removed after the Mrs advised so…..)Ok, i had gone to donate blood to a fellow Kenyan who i have never met. Am no doctor but i think once that gentleman gets well and leaves hospital he will start acting like me. Damn, he might even start a similar blog!

I have donated blood countless times i think and I’ve never gotten over my fear of needles. I do, however, enjoy the pain as the needle is injected into my veins.

This time i met a young guy at the lab who was to check out my blood and advice whether i am a probable donor. He does the usual test then after a few minutes calls me back in.

“Yes Abu!” he says happily, “am pleased to let you know that your blood is a perfect O + with a HB (i should have asked what this meant, heart break maybe?) Of 15.5.”

“Ok, and that’s good i guess?” i quip. He made it appear like i had been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

“Good? Dude, its perfect!” folds his hands around his thorax professionally, “Most males have something between 13 to 13.5!”

To myself am thinking, wow, i got a goldmine flowing inside me!

Brian is the dude’s name, a young, seemingly jovial fellow who looks as if he is content with the pay Aga Khan offers him. In another life i think he would have been a Jehovah Witness.

Am lying on some bed and he straps my biceps. I flex my muscles a bit just so he knows am capable of wringing his neck like a hen if he dares try anything funny, like sucking my blood!

Talking of sucking blood, while i was lying there being strapped i remembered a scene in The Originals where Claus Mickelson, the bad ass Original vampire is sucking on blood from those hospital blood bags. Just the way you would suck juice from a bottle.

I got big veins man, very big. Doctors never have any trouble on where to ‘suck’ blood from. I close my eyes and enjoy the slight pain. Goodness, it’s so painful in such a smooth way i can hardly explain.

“Wah, si you have a big one!” Brian exclaims. I look up just to confirm what he is talking about. “With most patients i get trouble coz they have small ones.” I smile and rest my head on a hard thing placed where a pillow should have been.

I think having big veins helps.

“Awch, sorry!” that’s Brian. He had punctured a bigger than usual hole into my vein.

Somehow am tempted to venture a query on whether he, Brian, had ever considered being a vampire. I smile and keep that to myself. He looks at me and smiles; probably coz i have big veins and maybe he felt nice watching my blood flow through the tube to the blood bag.

He keeps asking whether am ok to which i keep answering yes. He apologizes and says he is out of drinks for blood donors. To say the least, i care less.

“How old are you?” i ask.
“23. You?”

I close my eyes just so he thinks am dying.

“Are you ok?” he is quite concerned, this Brian.

“Yeah i am.” I smile. “Am 31. Age is really catching up on me.” I feel like some dying millionaire who owns a yacht and has diabetes and Brian was the doctor by my side who takes me to the loo!

He does that hahaha laugh, sounds fake but i decide not to mention it. My blood is on the tube here!

He thinks at 31 am still young. I don’t. My head is balding from the centre. A pot belly is on its way. I can no longer sprint as i used to years back. I can only manage 100 (a hundred!!) push ups at a go. My digestive system is working slower and i shit only once every 48 hours.

31 is 40 minus 9…..

“Enjoy your 20s Brian,” i said this with the wisdom of 12 Gikuyu elders, “they will pass so fast you won’t even notice.”
Then a few minutes later i was bargaining for peanuts and short life milk from the hospital canteen. I was feeling dizzy.

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4 thoughts on “Vampire Doctors!

  1. Great job, this one gave me quite a number of chuckles…dude you are 30, manze wee ni m-old hehe.im getting to the big 3-0 later this year and already feeling like woi….my youth is all gone 🙂

    Loved the Originals reference, could picture Claus although to me, Elijah comes first:)

    Great post. Thumbs up.

    • ha! i love Claus for his sarcasm.yeah, 30 is old, can’t convince myself otherwise!!!:). Apologies for taking this long to reply, been down with some food poisoning my dear, am good now…back with an elephant appetite, i swear i can eat a whole goat right now and still leave room for dessert!!!

      • hehe well glad you are feeling better now and pole you were unwell. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.

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