As an example, let’s take John, your kawaida guy. John has no ambition to milk an elephant like me, i have been harbouring that thought for some time now. It’s just milking a giant cow, big deal . John is just a normal guy, he cannot do that.
So John visits his friend for lunch. His friend, Babake Brian is married and has a fat kid called Brian. John does several mistakes, one being….wait for it…..visiting the John at Babake Brian’s crib. See, John visited the John in enemy territory and that is a huge mistake.
First, i will tell you about Brian, the fat kid. All my life every kid i have met called Brian is either plain fat, outright dramatic or has the tendency of throwing award winning tantrums. Do not name your kid Brian!
So John feels the urge to visit the John, asks Babake Brian for directions and goes. If you have visited the John in enemy territory, you know how you start taking account of everything in it; nice air freshener…..oh look at this, imperial leather soap…. uuurgh, Miss Mbotch forgot her thuruari in there…..ngai, that’s a cockroach i have seen disappear into the drain (in case of loos which happen to double as shower rooms)…..eweweeh, they brush their teeth with Sensodyne?……yeah, that kind of accounting which means nothing because there are other things you should account for first… like whether the cistern is working well, whether there is water…availability of tissue paper etc..That kind of serious stuff.
John meant to do a short call, but feels the urge to do a number 2…so he bends over and does his thing. His mind strays to the stock market, wonders why Babake Brian has no magazines in the loo, considers starting a blog, dreams of getting a house of his own….then a knock on the door.
He drops the last one (you know what am talking about here, don’t be cheeky!) and concentrates on the knock. He stammers. A way to say the John is occupied, come back later.
The knock is persistent. He cleans up and flashes the loo….ooh ooh, bad news….the cistern is like a dried up well, not a single drop of water. He panics. The knock is now getting angrier.
“I want to poooooo!!” shouts Brian.
Damn this kiddo, John mutters to himself. He was in a crisis. Brian is now beyond knocking, he is literally kicking the door with his fat feet.
“Brian, use the potty!” babake Brian calls out from the living room.
“Potty iko kwa choo (the potty is inside the loo)!” Brian answers, and then starts crying.
John curses. This is gonna be embarrassing, totally bad PR especially coz he was to start dating Babake Brian’s younger sister. Very bad for PR!
Brian is now hurling his entire fat body against the door. John is there, standing, panicking, and looking at the mess in the toilet bowl. A huge mess. He was gonna need like 35 litres of water to flush it down. He looks at his reflection in the mirror above the sink and he pities himself.
Brian goes quiet. John is alert, wondering what was up. Maybe the kid had collapsed and died (ok, lost conciousness), or maybe, just maybe an alien ship had whisked him away….hey, that would actually be a fantastic idea, he muses.
Brian was busy shoving his fat fingers into his nose, fishing out a dried flake, examining it like some lab specimen and throwing it into his mouth. Yuck. He swallows. Damn. Then remembers he wanted to poo…starts screaming again.
Eff this kid. John curses. Kama mbaya mbaya (if bad, bad). Fishes out his phone and texts babake Brian, ‘mayday mayday, am in a crisis dude!’
Babake Brian texts back, ‘LOL, you got your foot stuck inside the toilet bowl?’
‘Nah, worse. I bombed the base. Maji hakuna bwana!’
‘haha,am sorry, haven’t paid the bill. How bad is it?’
‘Seriously, dude! Ok, it’s bad…and your kid is crazy!’
‘Sending help, how many buckets of water do you need? LOL’
‘LOL, my a**, send the fire brigade!’
Quickly, babake organises two buckets of water. Miss Mbotch delivers them, pulls Brian away from the door as John grabs them and locks himself in. Brian starts protesting. John throws out his potty and closes the door again. The potty rolls along the corridor. Kufa gari kufa dereva!
Two water buckets into the bowl, then a solitary drop of poo resurfaces again with the water. Shit! He curses. Weighing his options, they are very limited. One would be to ask for more water; that would raise eyebrows and probably a few giggles. Can’t do that. Two, pull that thing and throw it out of the tiny window. He smiles. That’s a stupid option! Three, leave it there and walk out like a boss. Best option ever!
Walking out, Brian is so freaking pissed off he lunges at him. Kicks John’s leg and hurts himself in the process. He screams, goodness, this kid had been sent by the devil to torture him.
“Aiih Baba,” calls out Mamake Brian from the kitchen, “what happened?”
“Uncle amenigonga (uncle has hit me)!!” John stared at the kid, struggling hard not to kick him like a football straight out of the window.
Brian lunges again. Punches John’s balls since that was the furthest he could reach……
Ok, that’s the point you feel your balls disappear into your tummy. Hurts like hell.
Miss Mbotch comes around to empty Brian’s potty. Enters the loo and peeps at John, holding her nose. She sprays the air freshener as if there was a dead rat in the loo. Eff Miss Mbotch too! John looks up at the red thuruari hanging on the shower head and smiles at her. They were even.
Babake Brian is watching telly as John walks in. He winks at him and whispers, ‘i got your back, bro!’
John smiles back in embarrassment, ‘pay your freaking water bill, bro!’
High five. Case closed. Best friends forever!