The Devil is in my head!


As i may have mentioned in this blog before, i have, back in my days as a Christian, been born again one too many times. The last of such ‘endeavours’ was in Nairobi Christian church, got baptised in the Nyayo Stadium swimming pool and became a Disciple. Had to be done in the shallow end coz water that exceeds a bucket scares the hell out of me.

So yes, i became a Disciple. A Disciple meaning i was conditioned to follow the ways of Christ, become a ‘fisher of men’, everything except washing people’s feet. That, can’t do, won’t do; Kenya is a dusty place and i can only wash someone’s dusty feet if am paid to, a lot of money considering the situation. With gloves!

That’s a story for another day, actually it’s in the second chapter of a book am writing. That and another one of a ‘prophet’ we once journeyed to see at the foot of Ngong Hills!

This post is about a chic called Jackie Ahenda, she was a fellow disciple at Nairobi Christian Church; super cool, super cute, super humble, well mannered…drop dead gorgeous. She is the kind of chic who would make you get hit by a speeding train in a railway crossing.

I remember this one Sunday; we were seated on the concrete pews of Nyayo stadium, now Coca Cola stadium. This is where we used to hold the Sunday service once in a while when we were not meeting in a fellow disciple’s house. I loved the house Sunday service coz there was always free food.

Back to that Sunday.

The choir is leading us in some songs; Kilaha’s voice is deep as the Well they threw Joseph son of Jacob in. My eyes veered to the right, towards the entrance of the stadium and guess who i see? Jackie, looking gorgeous in high heels and a mini skirt which had two slits revealing…..damn you, i won’t tell what it was revealing.

Am like, Hallelujah, this is one fine creation! I quickly admonished myself! That was the devil caressing my ear whispering unchurchly stuff to me. Ashindwe!!

The devil refused to be defeated, he turned (i swear he did) my head to Jackie, wah, you should have seen her ascending those concrete pews to a section other sisters were. High heels completely change the way a chic walks, Jacke’s sway was epic, and her slightly bowed legs looked great; like a feminine version of Van Persie. Her legs were shaven, i think!

If someone was to ask me what the sermon was all about i would have told them it was about God; i didn’t catch a thing the preacher said!

Later after church i just wanted to see her, tell her the devil talked to me and that i tried, really did try to defeat him but he refused to be defeated. Tell her she was doing a good job coming to Church while other (hot) chics her age were probably heading home with a lot of DNA in them after a crazy night out.

But i didn’t. Way back then anything in a mini and high heels scared the hell out of me, like the deep end of a pool. Damn, i was scared of girls! And mind you i was around 21…..and no, i won’t tell you whether i was a virgin or not. Don’t even venture there!

Instead of talking to her, i started buying random things to attract her attention (i can now laugh at myself buahaha!). I bought a sausage, boiled eggs, a banana, socks (black is my color) and a samosa made of ‘dengu‘ (green grams). This was my way of building up courage, aiming for the kill! Machismo baibe!

So am chewing the samosa wrapped in brown paper. At the corner of my eye i can see Jackie, i could have sworn she was stealing shy glances at me. My heart skips 1,2,3 beats and i almost get a cardiac arrest. Steady brother, steady…i urge myself. Today, this Sunday, she will be yours!

I didn’t even notice i was chewing the wrapper. Am sure i had swallowed some. I think i felt something paperish going down my throat and i was pretty certain i would die! I hoped Jackie had not noticed.

Ultimately, she heads my way…did you hear that? My way. I froze. Ok, i just happened to be on her way to her destination. I smiled, she smiled back, came over and hugged me……such a darling! A naughty devil started doing a shakira-shakira-my-breasts-are-small-and-humble-so-don’t-confuse-them-with-mountains in my damn head!

Not the kind of hug you are envisioning in your dirty mind, no. It was a disciple kinda hug where you do it sideways, the mammary areas are strictly off limits. That way, you don’t get funny ideas, well, apart from when a devil is dancing in your head wearing a reed skirt!

Is this your first time here?” she asks. I had been attending church for close to a year! I had seen her like 878 times and she had NEVER seen me even half a time?

Ahhhaaa…” i sounded stupid faking a manly, courageous laugh, “been around for a long time!”
Oh, am Jackie.” The devil in my head was now doing Toni Braxton’s Spanish guitar.
I know you!” i shouldn’t have said that, it left my mouth before my mind could contemplate it.
She lifted her eye brows. Inside my head the devil is convincing me to say, ‘that’s a nice a** you got there pretty lady, your momma gave you that?’
What’s your name?” she asks. Tonight we are so dinning in hell!!!
Am….Methuselah..” i stammer. Stupid answer!
Methu what?”
Selah…Methuselah, the oldest person to ever be on earth, it’s in the Bible!”

She throws back her hair the way models do in the beaches of Miami.
Ha, you are that old?” she asks.
Well, no, i just find Methuselah’s story so uplifting, he loved Jesus so much!”
Oh, i see.” My eyes stray for a millisecond to that slit. ”Ok. See you later.” She walks away. I wanted to shout at her, ‘where?’ it would have sounded stupid i guess!

The devil in my head started on No-woman-no-cry. I was already looking forward to midweek service, i would have a deep conversation with her, know her better, look into her eyes, remind her that she said she would see me later………

The devil laughed so hard he almost died. He whispered. ‘Listen lover boy, work on your machismo first…and name….Methuselah? Dude pliiiiiiiiiz!!’

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7 thoughts on “The Devil is in my head!

  1. hehe and so you have out-done yourself on this one…too many funny moments Methusellah and who buys random stuff to get a girl’s attention hadi boiled eggs hehe and then that shakira song, always thought ni you ‘don’t confuse them with mountains’ LOL anyway, good post.

    • WHAT???????it’s mountains????i swear i heard a chic sing it as marbles and it has stuck like that ever since……….yah, i was shy and used to do weird stuff around women……at some point, can’t remember which point though, i dropped my shyness, became a chatterbox, a blogger……..

  2. Pingback: Humans. | Akhy Mjanja

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