I swallowed a stapler, you can call me maybe! People are changing their sleep cycles just so they can catch up with the late night/early morning games. Me i careless, si i will still get the updates and watch the repeats after the world cup is over? I will even cheer and pretend i don’t know who won the final!
Wait, did i say i swallowed a stapler? No no, i did not. I can swallow staples but not a stapler; that’s taking suicide to a whole new level. Ok, i do not swallow staples!
G’s and heaven, that’s the topic of this post, but before i get to it i would love to indulge you in a little story about insects. It has a deep, intriguing connection to the main story so do not miss a syllable.
Roaches, i loathe them, especially the ones that come out of drains and fly. There is just something overly spooky about a roach that flies. Now, if roaches were cars i guess they would be the Ferraris of the insect fraternity.
Does anyone remember those Volkswagen Combis from way back? I interacted with another insect when i was a kid and i think it is the Combi of the insect fraternity.
The insect has an English and Scientific name, i just can’t remember. In Gikuyu and Mumbi language it is called Njuguna Mwekwithia (no relation to the Njuguna of nyama choma). Njuguna Mwekwithia is an insect that has a top of the range defence mechanism; the moment you touch it it freezes and plays dead, thus the last name Mwekwithia (can be loosely translated to ‘one who pretends to be dead’).
Back to Globe roundabout. Not the one you know right now with that beautiful Chinese constructed flyover. It is the Globe of the 90s and early 2000s before the Chinese were even known, with the exception of Chris of course.
Maasai market used to be located at the far right if you are approaching or reading this post while walking from Ngara.
There was, i believe there still is a huge Church right opposite Simlaw seeds; that church with an illustration of a dove carrying a branch of Marijuana on it’s beak.
A toilet whose Ammonic stench hang in the air upto central police is still there; i believe it has a semblance of hygiene now.
I get dropped by a mathree at Ngara, it ‘nyongas’ and heads back to Baba Ndogo. This was pre Michuki days when matatus ruled the roads with wanton lunacy.
I feared Globe roundabout coz there were some very mean chokoras (street kids/men) who ruled it. I would have been perfectly fine walking all the way to Riverside on the other side of Ngara and head to town instead of crossing this valley of death. Again, i did not want to exhibit my cowardice by sprinting across the roundabout just so i don’t get accosted by the chokoras.
But that day i was heading to UoN and going round was not an option. I said a little prayer and started humming a song for encouragement:
Do Gees get to go to heaven, coz i don’t wanna die
I did those steps at Kahama hotel and surveyed the entire roundabout from there. The few people who were walking across were restricted to a pathway on the maasai market side. I take a deep breath and walk hurriedly towards that direction.
One thing with chokoras, they blend in with nature; you can never tell them apart from the huge waste disposal sites they comfortably reside in. They are strong, these creatures. i guess it’s the balanced diet they partake, plus they get it straight from mother nature.
Then it happened. Out of the corner of my eye i saw a chokora disengage himself from a cloud of flies and rotten stuff. He was heading my direction. The flies were hovering on top of his head, his clothes did not depict a specific color. If at any one time they were colored the hue was now comfortably covered in layers and layers of dirt, garbage and hard life, squalor.
I should have ran. Instead of the kawaida flight or freight hormone kicking in, my heart melted and trickled down to my bladder…it was now swimming in unpissed piss and beating like a sub woofer. Every scared heart beat made my bladder want to give way.
The chokora glides towards me. He had something in his right hand; i hoped he was coming to tell me about Jesus and the book of life. I madly hoped he was Jehovah witness, i swore i would become saved there and then if he mentioned Jesus!
Or maybe it was a gift. Yes, a gift sounded cool. A black forest cake that he would present to me with a smile. I would carry it home and share it with Nelly. Oh God, i wished Nelly was there, Nelly is my no nonsense bad ass bro. Man, Nelly was something else. He once tackled an opponent in a rugby match so hard that the guy quit rugby and started playing ping pong!
The chokora was now a metre away from me. I did 1 times 2 carry one and the odds were against me. Whatever i had thought and hoped to be black forest was a smoking bunch of human excreta fresh from the bakery.
My jaw dropped open. Eish was getting real. I wished i would do a ‘Njuguna Mwekwithia’ thing so he could leave me alone!
“Niachie msimamo (gimme something, rich nigger)!”
“um..eeeh…sina!” i stammered.
“Morio nitakuosha na hii shonde (man i will wash you with these excreta)!”
I swallowed hard. This was not going to end well. The only valuables i had of note were 30 bob in my pocket and a fake chain on my neck……and the clothes! I imagined going back home with only my underwear…..
Quickly i gave him the 30 bob and the chain then waited either to be washed with ‘black forest’ or be set free. He sneered at me, menacingly.
“Ebu toa mifuko nione kama una pesa ingine!” he demanded.
“Haki ya mungu sina. Mimi nimeokoka na hio 30 bob ilikuwa sadaka!” i pleaded with him. “Infact ichukue tu, mungu akubariki!”
(“True of God i don’t have any other money. Me am saved and that 30 bob was for offerings. Infact just take it, and May God bless you!)
He looked me up and down and gave an order.
“Toka hapa na ukimbie na usiangalie nyuma!”
(Get out of here, run and don’t you dare look back!)
I thanked him and took off like a dressed night runner. A few metres away i had to make a brief halt to stop my beating heart from trickling down to my knees which were now filled with H2O.
I had the same occurrence while with Nelly;same place, different day. He just looked at the chokora and told him in the most amazingly cool, calm and collected voice:
“You go ahead and wash us with excreta and you will know who i am!” i was hiding behind Nelly so just in case we got washed, i swear the chokora walked away!!!!