The World Cup is still at the Group stages and some women have already started accusing their husbands of not being there for them anymore….zamani you used to come early to bed with me, nowadays haki ume change! So this is my advice to the men: turn to your spouse and tell her this; “Woman, i got this feeling, right inside of me, right inside of me…terente tente tentere…football makes me move my body, when Van persie flies, and Ronaldo cries……you just, don’t know……….
Ladies, we are still on the Group stages, things will get real from the quarters; that’s when we will chew our nails in anticipation, break glasses, bring down the roof, kick the cat (honey, we need to get it castrated btw), jump on the couch, cry and break everything else apart from the TV set!
Women are the most amazing creatures i have ever met; they can say one thing and totally mean the direct opposite. They push us to make confessions we would have otherwise sworn over our dead donkey’s grave (am not making this up, our donkey died) never to confess. They google search weird things, like ‘signs he is not that into you’ and ’10 ways to tell whether your man is lying’…..
Baethewei the list goes like ‘he no longer massages your (dusty) feet, he doesn’t tuck you in bed anymore, no more breakfast in bed, no longer makes dinner on Saturdays, no longer buys you flowers’…….are we talking about love here or the slave trade?!
Like seriously?? Flowers? I once bought a woman a bouquet of flowers at City Market, that was way back when i had some really tight lines to melt a mamasilas heart. Nowadays am chilled out, side effects of marriage man! Approached her while holding the bouquet behind my back then did an award winning smile before handing it to her. I did everything just like in the movies.
Her reaction? “Aaaaaaaw, lovely….but si they will dry by evening?” A reaction only a Kenyan woman can make.
Bubudiu Twaff!! I wish she knew the pain i had gone through trying to select the right bunch for her, they didn’t just fall like Manna from above!
From that day i decided never ever to give a woman flowers again. After a lot of deliberation i settled on spinach. Yes, during anniversaries i will give my woman spinach (honey, those veges i bought on your birthday, they were not random shopping, they were your presents, you can call me maybe!) and perhaps a few Beetroot; this is good for her blood. Spinach is especially rich in Iron, just look at Popeye and you will understand this!
So a woman can either make you or break you. She can say the most inspiring thing when you need it most and still tell you the most pathetic stuff when you neither need nor deserve it.
Take for instance this dude, let’s call him Dave who is dating this chic called Aurelia* (ha, my new neighbour is a Kyuk chic called Aurelia and am laughing coz i had written it as Auleria as she pronounced it and it got underlined. Not sure where she got that name, Kikuyu’s are not very creative with these).
Aurelia is a graduate and has a well paying job. Dave on the other is a graduate from ‘MAKELELE’ University, otherwise called School of Hard Knocks. He is a bright, street-smart chap this David and he would have joined Campus, real campus were it not for the urge to make a quick buck early in life.
These two are in love. She loves him coz he got the most amazing dreams and ambitions and he is straight as an arrow, tells it like it is, no sugar coating. She, on the other hand is a go getter and he loves her positive attitude, stands out like a strobe in the dark.
So they are working in the same company, she earns double his salary. He minds, she doesn’t. It’s our money, she says. She actually mixes their salaries and pays the bill blah blah blah and makes him believe they are in it together.
Aurelia’s parents are against their daughter marrying Dave. One coz of his tribe and two coz the nigger don’t have a freaking degree. They consider him a lesser mortal, incapable of making anything substantial to take care of their daughter.
But she loves him, wants him. So she fights for him for them. He in turn sees it inconsiderate to break a family, so he opts out.
“Hunny,” she pleads, lovingly, “please stay and fight with me. If you walk out of me i will not have the strength to live an extra day….”
Now, when a woman looks at you straight in the eye and says deep eish like this you just have to stay with her and fight; you You jump higher than a Maasai Moran, kiss the blue skies and when you get back to earth you take the fight to whoever is against her!
6 months down the line Aurelia walks out on Dave, just like that. “I am no longer in love with you!” she says, “you messed up my life, knowing you is the worst mistake i ever did!”
As you may guess, Dave is wrecked almost beyond recognition. His performance in work deteriorates and he gets fired; partly coz of this and because the guy doing the firing had something for Aurelia……man, eish can get really screwed up at times!
He keeps fighting to get her back, he even tells her, ’Honey i know am an ass!’ hoping to get some sympathy from her. Instead she tells him, ‘true story, dude you are a real ass!’
Yenyewe love needs a heart and lots of patience. My advice for people in love ar dudes/dudettes who are caught up in the realm of heartbreak? No advice, i suck in love, am a sadist and a twisted person and the things i would advice you to do are totally out of this world!
Ps: Do not, i repeat do not give your woman spinach and Beetroot for her birthday…especially NOT after castrating her cat!