Being a woman. What’s being a woman? It could be alot of things and connotations depending on where you are seating, standing or yes, sleeping.
We are all too familiar with the ‘becoming a man’ cliché; becoming a man the African way to be precise. Am vaguely familiar with the phrase ‘becoming a woman’; i don’t have much authority on the subject!
When i was an ‘uncut’ boy my grandfather used to narrate horrible stories of how they became men. How they would take a dip in the river at 2 or 3 ish at night for like an entire hour to numb their bodies, or rather a particular part of their bodies, then they would head to face the knife as a group, there is strength and courage in numbers, no?
So grandpa used to tell me how exactly being circumcised was; it was mandatory to take a dip in the river (there are no rivers in our village) fantasizing of better days as a man as compared to the squalor of being a mere boy and face the knife like a man. How will my Weiner be cut? Well, it will be placed on a log and the circumciser would raise his axe high and cut you it off with a single blow like whaaaa…..ouch,no?
Ok, several scenarios played in my head; one the ‘Weiner cutter/ripper’ would chop my piece off completely leaving a stub in its place. He would probably put it in a jar or tattoo its shape on his chest; a Mexican would do this! That way, i would have to change my way of peeing, maybe i would do it through Osmosis or other Osmo somethings whatevers of sorts.
Two, he would cut just the tip, just, which would still pass as a cut; i would look at this and shake my head like an Indian (Mumbai Indian). In fact this would still qualify me to sit and drink from the table of men; that is if no pesky elders decided to check me out!
Three, he would miss completely because probably he was drunk or sleepy or just maybe coz he sucks at chopping. Whatever the case, it does not matter. Brother, if the Weiner ripper misses take off like a night runner, run faster than a Dik Dik (yes, without a C). That’s what i would do. It’s like escaping the hangman’s noose; run boy run!
But say, if men were given a chance, nay, forced to become or rather switch roles with women for just a few days…wait a minute, the gentleman at the 3rd row, speak up or forever hold your piece (yah, i mean piece)…
“A few days is alot!”
“So what do you propose?”
“A few seconds, maybe….or never!”
“Ok.” Consulting my notebook, “when do you wanna start?”
Urrgh, forget about that interruption!
So i have posed the question above to several men and women; i will gladly share with you their sentiments in a different post. A good lady friend of mine says the thing she would most definitely do if she became a man would be to pee while standing! Wow, i didn’t realize it was this cool until now….i guess it’s like a monkey in the zoo looking at humans and wishing it could talk and take selfies on iphones or pay rent!
If i was indeed to have a role switch, to even consider ‘flipping’ I would have to ask for a few things from the power transforming me:
1. No cramps please; that eish will kill me and ruin my chances of ever coming back whole.
2. Do something about my knees if by any chance i am meant to wear a short skirt…leave the hairs, i wanna be unique!
3. Get me an app for wearing and walking in high heels…..i would fall like 7.5 times from my bedroom to main door.
4. Gimme a shot gun; any man who dares whistle or blows a kiss at me gets a bullet wherever i wanna shoot him. I will plead insanity if arrested.
5. Grant me a house with a big back yard to bury idiotic men who make passes at me just coz am a woman…..helllooooooooo!
What would you do if the roles were flipped?