We Are Kenyans.


Kenya is my country. Our first president for reasons only he knew best (got no time to google this)adopted the name KENYAtta. My grandfather, a giant of a man who was a World War 2 veteran once told me, while he was drunk how the name Kenyatta came about. I cannot remember.

For those who may not be familiar with Kenya, allow me to make an introduction. Am pretty sure you have heard of the term ‘hakuna matata’, well, Hollywood stole that line from us.

Now, let me give you directions to my country Kenya. Oh, Baethewei before i forget we have an amazing sevens rugby team, quite consistent in the IRB circuit. Girls in Kenya love rugby to bits and not because they understand the game; not at all. In fact, Kenyan girls know little as far as rugby and football goes but they know everything about the muscles on display. Kenya is also famous for athletics. I wonder why our Kenyan women don’t love athletics as they do rugby. Oh, it’s the muscle element! Athletes have stamina instead of muscle! Muscle is sexy, sexy sells!

Just so you know, all Kenyans are ‘runners’ by default; we run from Riot police, rioting students, taxes, municipal council askaris, from Polio vaccinations, Nairobi flies. If we see a bag left at one place for an unusually long time, we run away then back again to check whether it has exploded. We even run at night, butt naked; this sport is called ‘night running’ which to a normal person is scary as hell.

Directions; yes. Where do i start? Actually depends if you are coming to Kenya via jet, ship, bike or trekking; trekking is better. Ok, you must be familiar with Egypt, right? South Africa too? Kenya lies between these two countries. In fact the Nile attained its flow and flawless beauty from a gorgeous lady in Kenya, Vicky, you can call her Lake Victoria.

Looking at River Nile on the map you will be deceived into thinking that it flows from Egypt down to Kenya. It’s the other way round my friend. If Kenya was to ‘peg’ the Nile or ‘divert’ its waters, Egypt and Ethiopia would die of thirst and dirt and lack of fresh water fish rich in protein. Do they show any appreciation for our commodious deed? No!

In fact the Egyptian president has a Kenyan name Sisi, means ‘us’! And Ethiopia stole our one and only General Mathenge; freedom fighter extraordinaire! Is someone from the UN taking note of this? Oh, lest you forget, both countries, Egypt and Ethiopia are notorious for violating journalist and bloggers rights; Egypt jailed 3 Al Jazeera journalists while Ethiopia did the same to a bunch of bloggers. This ain’t cool, i say!

But tisorait, Kenyans have big hearts, as big as the elephants you see on Nat Geo Wild. Our elephants need saving form poachers, please assist if you can. And as you sleep tonight remember that an elephant in Kenya is not guaranteed to wake up with its tusks.

Talking of Vicky, the source of the Nile, very famous people have come from the Lake region called Kisumu. Its people go by the name ‘Luo’. Am not Luo; am from Central Kenya where we call them ‘jaruo’.

Kisumu is indeed a land of many firsts:

The first black American president has his roots here, Lupita the first Kenyan to win a Grammy, Dan Odongo the first Kenyan to play in the NFL, Origi the first Kenyan to play and score in the World cup playing for a country that’s not Kenya……list could be longer. Am pretty certain we will have a Luo win the Monaco grand prix or some skiing competition in Switzerland.

Kenya never qualifies for the football world cup. With us we kindof take a chilled out approach to such, we don’t fight for fame, fame finds us. if our good team ‘Harambee Stars’ would make it to the world cup am sure the likes of Neymar would have a field day making the score similar to that of a cricket match. Not a good scenario.

Fame finds us in form of post election violence, highest paid MPs in the world, ICC cases that just seem to drag on, politicians who incite us to hate and maim and kill each other while they are safe behind gated opulence.

And just so you know Kenyan have the most peculiar habits. We are usually the first to arrive at the scene of an accident and by the time the police get there we already have a summary of what and what could not have happened.

The same case with football matches we watch; we are better than the players and coaches. We always feel that perhaps if a certain player would have passed the ball earlier it could have resulted in a goal.

And after all is said and done and the final whistle is blown and our teams have either won or lost we develop a weird tendency of chopping off the head of anyone who makes fun of our team, especially if it lost. And you know what the funny thing is, we never get even a dime out of these footballer’s massive salaries!

Bah eniway, you just gotta love the resilience and warmth of the Kenyan people. The Government is not paying me to promote Brand Kenya but either way, karibu sana!

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