Understanding women? Ha! Me, i am pretty sure am the furthest from understanding them. At times i feel like am almost understanding them, getting a grasp at why they do the things they do, then someone, i don’t know who, probably a woman pulls the rug under my feet and yes, humpty dumpty suffers a great fall!
But still men will always search for women and vice versa, it’s the order of creation, to procreate and tolerate each other’s madness. To wake up next to the same snoring face day in day out, decade in decade out and stifling that urge to commit homicide. But only coz prison scares you and the food there sucks!
Ok, so i was going through a checklist of the qualities of my ideal woman; the woman i want to wake up next to 28.5 years from now, stifle the urge to wrap her up in the duvet and mail her to Guatemala….all coz i wanna look at her and feel that overwhelming love that makes me want to howl like a werewolf and say ‘damn woman, i love you!!!…….does that make sense? I couldn’t think of anything else, partly because my attention is divided between my blog and Brazil Colombia game.
So, what would i be searching for in my ideal woman? Ok, here goes…..
Hair: I love hair, real hair not the fake wigs which am not even certain where they come from. They could be from ‘real’ human hair as someone told me, but if so then it begs a question: where is the human who ‘donated’ (whether willingly or not) the hair? Is their purpose in life to grow hair for donation? Then they must be eating manure/fertilizer rich foods to manage such a business! And if it’s not real human then it must be synthetic; could be recycled from anything…..i hear Chinese recycle even used toilet paper…then it makes hair and plastic cups and chop sticks!
Surely, i don’t want to be breathing down on hair recycled from such especially when cuddling my ideal woman. Si you know how a woman’s hair gets all over your face while asleep and feels like a malnourished octopus on your face? I don’t want it to be an ‘octopus’ recycled from China
Manageable hormones: ok, this is a must have quality for my ideal woman, she should have a way to check her hormones, rein them, and put them under control. We don’t want scenarios where hormones are left to run all over the place unchecked.
Unlimited joy: i want my ideal woman to exhibit joy when she sees me. So am like standing at the foot of our bed removing my tie (oh, it’s been years since i wore one), unbuttoning my shirt, removing my socks, carefully rolling them into a ball and throwing them under the bed. She is on the bed doing back flips, smiling and happy coz The Don is home. More back flips.
I want her to be standing on the door when i get home and smiling in a manner likely to suggest that if she had a tail it would be wagging furiously.
Good reader: Goes without saying, she has to be an excellent reader so she can tolerate my enthusiasm for the written word coz am capable of bringing the Encyclopaedia Britannica to bed. But herein i do not mean that kind of a reader; i need her to be a good reader of emotions, my emotions.
What i mean is she should be capable of running a quick analysis on my emotions when i get home. She should judge by my look that i am in the mood to wear my red pyjamas and maroon socks to bed, that i want to catch a whiff of burning onions and garlic (what?) to tickle my fancy, that on this day i want to lie on her lap and offload my worries to her, and that i want to partake of boiled goat tongue which FYI am waiting to wait all night as she brings it to boil!!
I do not want her to know about this blog (that’s cheeky). In this blog i talk about ladies like Dee and Salma. I will probably talk about more women of substance as i continue blogging. As is, i do not want to be bothered with interrogations on this; eti why a certain chic follows my blog….
On this interrogations every man fails coz if you tell her the truth that they are just following your blog she won’t believe you, and if you lie that you are dating them all (man, takes some serious balls to tell your woman this) you just might find your laptop stored carefully and affectionately in a bucket full of water..
RIP Toshiba Satellite!