Humans.


Ever wondered how, say if scientists discovered a new disease and they wanted to name it after you, like how they give those typhoons and hurricanes fancy names; Katrina, Alejandro, Kamau (ha, weird,right?) etcetra? Would that be a good or bad thing?

If this thought has ever struck your mind, you are a totally wicked person, like you are not even material for a psychiatric facility!

Humans are funny don’t you think. One day i was building something, can’t remember what (i suck at building Baethewei. My Grandpa tried to teach me when i was a boy and discovered that am much beter at building words, and stories!) when i missed the nail and hammered my thumb since i was holding the piece of wood with my left hand as i was working on it.

My colleague goes like, eish, ef man, pole sana, did you hurt yourself.

Am like, guess what dude, i didn’t hurt myself. I just massaged my thumb with a hammer, no big deal, just healthy living and eish, no big deal really. Then he rushed to blow on my throbbing thumb as if he was putting off fire. It hurt like hell, you know you shouldn’t blow on a hurt finger, it accelerates the pain.

And i cried. Shed tears more to speak, manly tears. Manly tears are actually cool coz they don’t run down the face like their feminine counterparts. No. They just cloud your eyes fighting to stay in, so you end up having a terribly blurred vision, like you can’t see eish!

What of the guys you pose a question to, and it’s only the two of you…..

You: Where do you work?
Them: Who, me?
You: No, the Prince of Wales!

Others are just downright weird and terrible show offs. The other day i was in a Jav heading to work. This lady seated behind me, she had a branded t shirt, Coca Cola, Unilever or some other big brand. Can’t recall which. She looked like a sales lady, long nails (fake), big smart phone (definetely Chinese) and a note book.

They always have note books.

Now, she starts calling her clients with an Engineered English accent to make them think that they are dealing with someone who knows how to put eish into perspective.

The guys at the head office of Coca Cola or Unilever know how to put eish into perspective, they have great commercials!

After her calls with the clients, she pauses abit and after perhaps observing that everybody in the Jav is not as well educated or widely travelled like her, she clears her throat and makes another call.

This is how she did it, she pushed back her wig with her index finger the way Caucasian blondes do in movies. She then inclined her face to one side, the way a cat does when it’s playing, or wondering why humans are so freaking weird, and put her cellphone against her ear.

She waited a few seconds. A gentleman answered. He had a foreign accent.

Oh, hi. Hello. How are you doing?” she says with a smooth voice.
Hi. Am good. You?”
Haahaahaa…i am great!” doing the Caucasian blonde move again. “Just checking on you.”
Ok. Thanks. And who am i speaking to?”
Oh, it’s Josephine, we met on the KQ flight to Mombasa!”

Silence.

Which flight?”
Last week on Thursday. Am speaking to (i can’t recall the guys name) right?”
Yes you are.”

Silence.

Her. “Ok, ummm, let me know when you are in Mombasa so we can catch up!”
Brilliant. Good day.”

He hang up so fast she had no time to say good bye, tc, be good…….

Before you accuse me of eavesdropping on her conversation, you should know that most Chinese phones tend to be overly loud, as in they can’t keep a secret. Alafu when someone hangs up on the other end you hear a loud click, true story.

But again, we are all humans, right? I might probably think that Josephine here is a show off, but there just might be a bunch of people out there writing about how i probably do weird stuff…..

Like, say talking to myself in public. I do, the voices in my head inspire me to. My mind is like a beehive of activities and at times when am working on a story the characters come to life. In my head. And they can be ridiculously funny 

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