Man Talk II


“Okay….yes…. Will do…..am just about to leave….. Love you….. Bye!” Gerry hangs up his phone and turns to his pal Oduor. “These women will show us fire. She insists that I must end all phone calls with her with I love you just so that if at all there is a woman near me she knows that am taken!”

“True story,” Oduor agreed, “my wife sometimes even pushes me to blow kisses on phone!”

“And how do you do that?” Gerry asked.

Mwaaah!” Oduor pouted his lips and blew a kiss in the air.

“Dude, you look disgusting!” Gerry scowled. “If I didn’t know you any better I would have thought you are queer!”

“I know,” Oduor said, packing his laptop. “What do you we pass by Bob’s for a cold one?”

“Man, I have to go do shopping for Mama Watoto!”

“You make it sound like you’ve been condemned to die in the gas chamber!”

“I hate shopping, Oduor,” he complained. “Alafu today is the All Blacks game bwana. By the time I get home the game will be over!”

“Be the man and leave the shopping to the women, what is, bwanaaa?” Oduor patted him hard on his shoulder.

“She is pregnant,” he said. “She can barely make it up two flights of stairs!”

“Way to go bro!” Oduor was all smiles, “your first one?”

“Fourth,”

“Get out of here!” Oduor jumped in shock, “Kwani you have an order or something?”

“Leave this guy alone,” Arnold from IT cautioned Gerry as he made his way past them, “his kids are still in his knees!”

“Arnold wewe ni fala sana,” shouted Oduor. “Get married first so you can have the guts to speak among real men. But yenyewe with those adolescent pimples in your face I doubt you will be getting a wife soon!”

“And still your kids are in your knees Jaduong!” Arnold retorted.

“You know I’m looking at you and something just dawned on me,” Oduor said, nodding his head sagaciously.

“What?” Arnold asked.

“That you need a baby sitter more than you need a wife!” and laughed so loudly that the secretary in the nearest cubicle had to shout him down.

Sawa Boss,” Arnold just laughed. “Tomorrow the Blues will be at our place by the way. What’s the bet?”

“Three gees if they win!” Oduor answered. Arnold saluted them and left.

“That’s one stupid kid,” Oduor told Gerry.

“Why?”

“The kid has everything. A cool job, good salary, good looks. Have you seen the way all the women here mellow down when they are talking to him? One would think he is King Mswati without all those firm breasted virgins!”

“His time will come, let the kid be,” Gerry said, tucking in his shirt.

Sasa, si you go for shopping then we will hook up tomorrow?” Oduor said.

“Alright, cheers man!”

“Cheers. Salimia Mama watoto, watoto tulikuwa nao!”

One hour twenty seven minutes later Gerry was looking up and down the diaper stand in the supermarket.

Damn, he cursed, I can’t even recall what size Michelle wears!

And why are all these babies Caucasian? Am yet to see a pack of diapers with a picture of an African kiddo!

Ebu let me call my wife and ask about the size. I swear she will swallow me whole, this will be like the fiftieth time I have forgotten the size. I miss the days when kids used to wear nappies. One size fits all!

Eish, she is not answering the phone. Sasa what will I do?

He spots several other men equally stranded and confused, looking up and down the multicolored diaper packs like a bunch of kittens following a pendulum.

A lady wheeled her trolley past him, chose one pack, dumped it into the trolley and left. He rushed to catch up with her.

“Excuse me Maam,” he said politely.

“Yes,” she answered, looking him up and down.

“Umm, am in a little bit of a fix. I need diapers for my daughter and I cannot recall the size. Would you be kind enough to help me out?”

“Sure, what’s her age?”

“Umm, I think she is around two or thereabouts. She is about this size,” pointing to a mineral water bottle she had in her trolley.

“Seriously?”

“I know the size of her diapers, just that I had a rough day and it kind of slipped my mind!”

“This should fit her perfectly,” she said, handing him a pack. The Caucasian kid with a chubby face laughed at him.

“I wonder why they don’t have packs with black kids on it. That would be something, right?”

“If you say so!” she rolled her eyes and left.

Another stranded gentleman approached him.

“Niaje Boss,” he shook his hand firmly.

“Am good. Vipi?”

Eeh, manze this sizes just mix me up like a puzzle,” the gentleman said. “You said your kid was around two?”

“Or thereabouts!” he answered and they both laughed heartily like former class mates who had met after two decades.

“What size is that?” he asked, checking out the pack. “This might fit my kid too. Mine is a boy, Malcolm is the name.”

“My girl is called Michelle,” Gerry said. “I wish they wore nappies like we did back then!”

“Goodness, that’s so true. We wouldn’t be having this trouble of choosing sizes!”

“But come to think of it,” Gerry offered. “If they would be wearing nappies, we would have to change them at times, right?”

“Shit, damn right,” the gentleman said. “And those things can be quite messy!”

“In my day I don’t think I wore many nappies. Most of the time I was stark naked!”

“Me too, I only wore them at night!”

They both laughed and engaged in another pointless banter.

“Am glad I didn’t bring my wife along with me today,” the gentleman said. “Last time I did I turned from a husband to a beast of burden. Man, the things I had to push in that trolley!”

“I feel you man,” Gerry said. “Me too. I came with her once and we had to keep stopping at each stand to check out useless stuff like fancy cutlery, buckets, roach killers, rat traps, and sanitary pads. She made me choose a fabric softener for my shirts. I smelt like a baby the whole week!”

Another bout of hearty laughter and a thunderous high five.

“See you later, umm, I didn’t catch your name!” the gentleman said.

“Gerry,”

“Jacob,”

“Pleasure,”

“Likewise,”

“Say hi to your girl for me, who knows, she just might get married to my Malcolm one day!”

“Will do man. See you around the diaper section next time!”

Image Credit

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